My Child Won’t Listen to Me! by Guest Blogger Susan Kassler-Taub, MSW, LCSW

My Child Won’t Listen to Me!

By Susan Kassler-Taub

“My child won’t listen to me!” is the oft-heard battle cry of so many parents who visit my office. While this is a concern of parents of children from toddlers to adolescents, let’s start by looking at this problem in the pre-school set, as I am a firm believer that problems fixed in our parenting of young children can prevent these problems from re-occurring throughout childhood.

There is an instructive adage: “If you tell a child something a thousand times, it is not the child who doesn’t understand.” As the adults, parents often must first modify their own communication style before the child will become compliant with the parents’ directives.

Developmentally, the pre-schooler is frequently caught up in their own little world, and that it is often the world of make-believe. In order for you to break through the fantastical story they are creating in their head with their action figures and dolls, and for them to really hear and attend to what you have to say to them, it is imperative that you walk up to your child, kneel down to their height, and look them directly in the eyes. If you are giving a directive to your child, it is not effective to yell from one room, or one floor of the house, to another. Being right next to your child and looking at them directly is a powerful incentive for the child to pay attention. It also makes for a much quieter and calmer household.

When giving a directive, such as “time to clean up the Legos,” steer clear of setting up a situation which can result in the pre-schooler’s favorite word - “No!” Begin with the face-to-face communication described above. First, give your child a time warning, such as: “In five minutes we will need to clean up the Legos.”  Set an old-fashioned egg timer to five minutes and leave it in the room with the child, where they can see the time passing, but where they can’t reach the timer. Return when you hear the buzzer and cheerfully assume that you child is now ready to comply with your request. I am often struck by how children respond to our expectations. If we expect that they will fuss at us about cleaning up, sure enough they will. Alternatively, if we assume that they will comply, and set up the situation to encourage compliance, we greatly increase the likelihood of our desired outcome

 Another good tactic is what I call “coming at the child from the side, not the front.” The easily recalcitrant pre-schooler is likely to yell “No!” if you walk in when the buzzer rings and demand, “You heard the buzzer, now clean up!” Instead, walk in full of confidence and in a pleasant voice try: “I see red, blue, and green Legos. I want to clean up the blue ones, which color do you want to clean up?” as you begin to scoop the blue Legos into a basket. 

Parents will ask me if this method is spoiling the child, or not teaching the child to truly comply with your requests. On the contrary, I explain that following this method the child will be complying, and for every moment they are complying, they cannot in the same moment be defying the parent. Every moment they are complying builds up a memory in the child of listening to the parent’s requests, and increases the likelihood that they will default to listening to their parents, rather than refusing to listen, in the future. In other words, complying with the parent’s request becomes a habit.

Another “coming from the side” tactic is to give the child choices when it is feasible to do so. Since it truly doesn’t matter if the Legos get cleaned up before the crayons, or if we brush our teeth before we wash our face, present your directive as a choice. “Do you want to brush your teeth first tonight or wash your face first?” asked while you gently take your child’s hand and are walking towards the bathroom. Or, “Would you like to wear your blue sandals or your red sneakers today?” asked as you place the choices in front of the child’s feet.

When the child does as asked, do remember to say (and therefore model) a hearty “thank you!” As we reinforce a behavior in our child, whether the behavior is positive or negative, we increase the likelihood of that behavior repeating. So reinforce the behaviors you want to see again!

When giving important directives, I ask parents to follow the motto: “Say less, do more.”  While I firmly believe that good language skills in children are encouraged by parents who talk often to their children, let’s save the chatter for descriptions of the world around us, not explicit directives. As I say in the office, if you want to discuss with your child how the caterpillar they see in the park turns into a butterfly, please do talk at length, but if you are asking your child to clean up their crayons, keep your sentence short and simple.

Consistency on the part of the parents is of utmost importance is teaching a child to listen to us when we make requests. I like to tell the story of a trip to the park with one of my pre-school children and his friend. When it was almost time to leave, I gave my usual five-minute warning. No timer being available in the park, I held up five fingers to represent the five minutes, and at each one minute interval quietly showed them I was dropping one finger down. When time was up, I cheerfully announced it was time to go, turned and started to walk down the path (keeping the eyes and ears in the back of my head wide open, of course) and overheard their conversation. My child began to follow, soon followed by his surprised little friend. “Why are we leaving?” asked the friend. “My mom gave us the warning, so it’s time to go” replied my son. “Ask her again, and lots of times again” said the other child, “That always works with my mom.” I could literally hear the wheels turning in my child’s head as he thought this over and replied, “Nope, that won’t work with my mom,” and we all headed to the car.

Children learn more from what they see us do, than what we tell them to do. If you want your child to listen carefully to you, then you must carefully listen to them. Take some time in your very busy life every day to just sit and listen to the myriad stories your young child has to tell you. Sit right next to them, look them directly in the eyes, and turn off your cell phone, computer, radio, and TV. Give them your undivided attention. Oh, and when you are busy, and they want your attention please don’t say, “Just one more minute,” and then take five or fifteen, or you may see that behavior come right back at you when you tell them to clean up those crayons, and they then say “Just one more minute.”

Pre-schoolers, like all children, and just like their parents, are happiest when all family members are getting along. When they comply with their parents’ requests without conflict, and see and hear their parents’ proud response, children feel their positive sense of self and their abilities reinforced. Focusing on simple, direct communication, with a cheerful attitude and the assumption of a positive outcome can go a long way towards avoiding the dreaded “No!” of the pre-school years and beyond.

Susan Kassler-Taub, MSW, LCSW 
Psychotherapy: children, adults, couples 
330 North Harrison Street

- Suite 6 
Princeton, NJ 08540 
609-921-1994 

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