Should I be insulted that every close friend I tell that I am going to stop nagging my husband laughs? This change has proven to be quite monumental. I have discovered that unsolicited advice and leading questions are also nagging. I literally feel incapable of speech. I am further tortured by unprecedented levels of naggable topics. So what am I feeling? I feel sad, separate, and sometimes angry (my husband, by the way, is quite happy). Which brings me to where I would like to start this blog. Feelings.

 

We are not very clear receptors to our feelings. We have become so adept at suppressing, filtering, and masking our feelings, that what was once a direct pathway from experience to feeling, has become an obstacle course full of detours and dangers. How did this happen? It all began with our families..

 

When we were young, our feelings were simply physical experiences. Pressure in the chest, tingling on the skin, release of tension, tears. These feelings would pass through us like a wave, and when they were fully felt, they would end. Anyone who has watched a child go from wailing tears to laughter can attest to how quickly emotions dissipate in children. These expressions of emotion are unfiltered and uncontrolled. The first filters that get placed on these experiences are labels.

 

It seems innocent enough, and even important in terms of communication, to label feelings. A parent says to a crying child, you must be sad, or a screaming child, you must be angry. But within those labels are the first values that are placed upon emotions. Fear and excitement share many physical attributes- chest pressure, skin tingling, and adrenalin. Yet they have very different social interpretations. Beyond the subtlety of labels, the next filter comes with your parent’s reactions to particular feelings. In my family, sadness was not tolerated. You could scream (and get ignored) but if you cried you were sent to your room (until you got ‘over’ it). This response is different in every family. Sometimes joy is stifled (“stop being so silly” or “watch out- if you’re too happy something bad will happen”). Many families suppress anger or fear. The upshot is, as children we learn to cover up those feelings with emotional expressions, which are more acceptable. This cover-up is called a reaction.

 

Reactions are knee jerk responses to situations, which elicit emotions that we are uncomfortable with. Someone cuts us off in traffic, we get afraid and if that fear is unacceptable, maybe we get angry. We honk our horn, glare at the driver, curse. All because we were afraid. Reactions can look like feelings. They can look like anger, sadness, happiness, and fear. Think of what feelings were not OK in your family, and what you covered them up with. This is your first and most powerful insight into how to make true changes in your life. How can you tell a reaction from a feeling? That will be my next blog..