Of all the trillions of memories we have of our childhoods, it is very telling the ones we remember. There were family meals, bedtime stories, endless days in school, that most of us experienced, but weren’t significant enough to anchor into our long term memory. Then there are those strange isolated incidents, a favorite drawing getting thrown away, a nasty comment made by a parent probably worried about something else, that can form the basis for the context which we call ‘childhood’ which can visibly, invisibly, annoyingly, and sometimes relentlessly, shape our adult experiences and relationships. The neural pathways that map our repetitive responses to our own quirkily significant stimuli, are no longer shallow grooves, they have become the Grand Canyon. Filling them in doesn’t seem to be an option. We feel doomed to see life through the same funhouse mirror, creating the same distorted self-experience.

 

My mother always said one sentence more than was necessary to make her point. Her original point may have been unnecessary to begin with (a whole other blog), but while the body of her communication was merely critical (“Did you give me anything for Christmas this year?”), the last line was personal, (“No? That’s what I thought.”) It was as though she couldn’t help herself. That last little bit just slipped out, and though she would never apologize, I know she felt guilty. So while the overall message she imparted to us in our childhoods was of love and value, there was a footnote of potentially dangerous character flaws that she felt compelled to point out for our overall health and safety. Even now, three years after her death, my ‘internal mother’ still searches for behavioral defects with a sledge hammer hidden behind her back.

 

So, how do you shape new pathways that have been established and reinforced for so many years? Affirmations alone won’t do it. You need new behaviors to replace the knee-jerk ones that have been in your bag of tricks for decades. You need to, quite simply, grow up.

 

First off, accept your parents for who they are. They were neither perfect nor evil (there are obviously some exceptions, but presumably not amongst my readership). They are human and they made mistakes. They are not here to provide you with approval, so stop seeking it. Yes, it would have been nice if they were cheering you on at your sport games, but they do not need to cheer on your new car or tummy tuck. Let them judge you in peace if they wish. It is none of your business what they think.

 

Secondly, start seeking a clear vision of yourself. Surround yourself with people who are both loving and honest to give you critical support and feedback. Tell them both your personal goals and your personal challenges (when do you get stuck in negative mindsets?). Give them permission to tell you the truth of their experience.

 

Finally, start behaving like someone who believes they are loveable. Assume you are liked, and assume your parents love you no matter how they behave. Give up sarcasm for the short term, and give up all jokes at your expense. At least until you can love yourself while laughing at yourself. Most importantly, forgive yourself for every bit of pain you have caused yourself because of your fear that you are fatally flawed. You are flawed. Join the club. You’re just not going to die from it.

 

Martha Wright is a Life Coach and seminar leader with over 20 years experience designing and teaching life skills in Fortune 500 companies around the world. She lives in Princeton NJ. Follow her on Face book and twitter. https://www.wrightlifecoach.com.