If you are anything like me, you have some serious self-doubt about your character and motives at times. Here is the me I love: the generous, kind, patient, productive me. Here is the me I don’t love: the selfish, insular, lazy, perpetually shopping me. In other words, I love myself when I behave in a way I approve, and I judge myself when I fall prey to what I kindly consider my character flaws. I once attended a seminar in which we were doing a guided visualization on our life’s purpose. My partner discovered that his purpose was to heal the planet. I ‘got’ that I was born to shop. So how do we love all those bits that don’t fit into our pictures of enlightenment? Do we choose to ‘be the Dalai Lama’? And who said that was the goal? Maybe I was born to shop? Someone has got to keep the economy afloat.

 

So through my search, here is what I have discovered. There are at least three steps to loving ourselves:

 

Step One: See Ourselves

Step Two: Accept Ourselves

Step Three: Be Ourselves

 

The first step to loving oneself is to truly see oneself. This might sound easy but it is very tricky. One of the reasons we distort our self-image is because we have made judgments about what constitutes lovable and unlovable thoughts and feelings.  Our judgments come from our conditioning and our interpretations of that conditioning. By intention, or through demonstration, we were taught that aspects of our character were not Ok to experience, let alone express. These could be anger, jealousy, sadness, or even exuberant happiness. This may have been taught in the form of family lore, for instance, ‘if you are too happy something bad will happen’, or ‘if you show your weakness people will take advantage of you’. It could also have been learned through observation. If a parent does not accept a part of himself or herself, their children will unconsciously absorb that lesson. This is actually the trickiest form of self-judgment to change, since, because it was never verbalized, it is extremely unconscious.

 

So, step one comes with an assignment. Make the unconscious conscious. Make a list describing yourself. List all of the attributes that describe your personality or character. Be as specific as possible.

 

 

1.    Make the list thorough, not all good, not all bad, but wholly complete.

2.     Remove as much ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ language from your list. Try to make it a neutral observation. This will separate your judgments from the attribute, and perhaps make it easier for others to recognize.

3.     Once you have completed the list, show it a few varied friends or family members that you trust to tell you the truth. Ask them if they think the list is complete. What would they add, what would they take away? Be aware that different people may see you differently so not everyone will agree.

 

Once you have completeted and vetted your list, spend some time noticing which attributes you hide the most, and which ones you share the most. You might want to keep a journal.

 

I am on a journey to accept and love all parts of myself. I am not always true to myself. I still hide. But I most definitely feel I am on the path. I will continue Step Two, Accepting Ourselves, in my next blog. In the meantime, I leave you with an anonymous quote posted by one of my favorite Yogi’s, Susan Sprecher.

 

‎"To dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the person you are."

 

Martha Wright is a Life Coach and seminar leader with over 20 years experience designing and teaching life skills in Fortune 500 companies around the world. She lives in Princeton NJ. Follow her on Facebook and twitter. https://www.wrightlifecoach.com.